director's cut: 새벽에 눈을 뜨니...

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November 10, 2004

새벽에 눈을 뜨니...

4시.
어제 밤 욕조에 더운 물을 받다가 갑자기 기력이 바닥이 나
조금 누웠다 해야지...하던 것이 그대로 깊은 잠이 되어버렸다.
어떻게 순간적으로 기력이 바닥이 나버릴 수 있는 건지 알 수 없지만
가끔 그러는 것이다.
저녁을 먹은 뒤 막 설거지를 하려는 순간에도
컴퓨터 앞에 앉아 무언가를 하다가도 어느 순간에 갑자기
그.대.로. 누워야만 하는 것이다.
절.대.로. 미루거나 견딜 수 있는 상태가 아닌 것이다.

그러한 증상들을 가만히 관찰해 보면
대체적으로 모든 경우가 '집'에 있을 때 발생한다는 것을 알 수 있다.
밖에서는 절대로 그런 경우가 발생하지 않는 것이다.
다시 말하면, '긴장'이 풀리는 순간에 발생하는 것이다.
의식을 하던 하지 않던, 내 몸에는 늘 긴장이라는 것이 되어 있고
그것이 더 이상 필요치 않다고 느끼는 순간 나도 모르게
온 몸을 지탱하기 위해 잡고 있던 무언가를 탁 놓아버리는 것이다.

그렇게 하여 누우면 그대로 죽은 듯 깊은 잠에 빠진다.
머리가 땅에 닿는 순간 급하강직선을 그리며 의식이 달아나 버리는 것이다.
하지만, 신기하게도 잠에서 깨고 나면 새로 태어난 듯 가벼워진다.
몸 어느 한 군데 결리거나 찌뿌둥한 곳이 없고
잠에서 깨어난 즉시 무엇에라도 몰두할 수 있을 듯 정신이 맑아지는 것이다.
참... 내가 생각해도 이상한 시스템을 지닌 몸이 아닐 수 없다.

새벽.
세수를 겸하여 어제 못다한 목욕을 하고 나니
맑은 정신에 무엇이라도 한 글자 남기고 싶어졌다...

Posted by dreaming at November 10, 2004 04:33 AM

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