director's cut: 프라하에서 길을 묻다_4

October 27, 2004

프라하에서 길을 묻다_4_ 내 앞에 서다

잠이 덜깬 눈으로 다시 방 안을 확인하려는데, 커튼 뒤로 희미하게 비치는 빛이 만들어낸 것은 다름아닌
커다란 십자가의 형상. 정신이 번쩍 들어 다시금 확인하는 그 모습은 여전히 커다란 십자가의 모습을 띄고
있다. 완벽하다. 아늑한 관 모양의 방에 누워 아침에 일어나 제일 먼저 확인하게 되는 것이 바로 십자가라니.
나는 다시 자세를 반듯이 하고 관 속에 누워있는 느낌을 보다 실감하려 노력해보았다....

이불은 적당한 무게와 촉감을 가지고 내 몸을 감싸 주고 그 안에 잘 보존된 나의 체온이 내게 돌려주는
느낌은 말할 수 없이 아늑하다. 관 속에서의 느낌이 이와 같을까. 그건 알 수 없다. 하긴, 나는 죽고 난 후
화장이 되어지기를 원하므로 죽은 후에라 할지라도 관 속에서의 느낌따위를 경험할 수는 없을 것이다.
나는 내가 죽은 후, 나의 남겨진 육신이 나의 통제를 벗어나 방치되는 것을 원하지 않는다. 언젠가 홍수가
난 후 많은 공동묘지의 무덤들이 모두 한 데로 뒤섞여 유골들을 구분하기가 어려워졌던 일을 목격하고는
더욱 그런 생각을 확신하게 되었다. 먼 훗날 세월의 풍파에 의해 제 자리를 벗어나 함부로 굴러다닐지도
모를 나의 팔과 다리를 구원할 수 있는 예방의 관점에서 화장은 나를 안심시켜줄 것이다.
또한, 죽은 후 남겨진 육체를 통해 마지막 성취하고 싶은 소망이 있다면 육체의 한계 속에 갇혀있던 나를
공기처럼 자유롭게 해주는 일이다. 가루가 된 나의 육체가 최소한의 질량과 부피만을 가지고 공기 속을
날아다닐 수 있게 되는 순간을 상상하면 절로 몸이 가벼워지는 듯 하다. 자유로운 바람을 타고 날아가
어디든 원하는 모든 곳에 동시에 존재하게 될 나의 분신들을 상상하는 것은 절대 슬프거나 기분 나쁜 일이
아닌 것이다.

아침 9시. 하지만 창밖은 여전히 기대만큼의 빛을 방안으로 가져다 주지 못하고 있다. 날이 흐린 걸까.
뭔가 미심쩍은 생각에 커튼을 젖히고 보니 창밖은 완전한 밖이 아닌 듯 하다. 그러니까 건물 안에 좁고
기다란 형태의 직육면체 모양으로 파여진 공간, 그곳을 향해 난 창이었던 것이다. 그 공간이 없었다면 이
방은 창이 존재할 필요가 없는 방이었고, 그 ‘창’을 가능하게 하기 위해 그와 같은 공간이 건물의 구조에
배려되었는지도 모르겠다. 그러니까, 이곳은 창이 있되 전망이 없는 방인 것이다.
관 속에서 전망을 구하다니... 코미디가 아닐 수 없다. 그렇다. 관속에서의 완벽한 평화를 위해서 이것은
불가피하다. 아니, 오히려 절대적이다.

옷을 챙겨입고 세수를 생략한 채 호텔의 레스토랑으로 내려가 아침을 먹는다. 이곳은 의외로 쿨한 분위기다.
요구르트에 시리얼을 듬뿍 넣어 먹는다. 빵 한 쪽에 커피 두 잔. 딱 적당한 양이다. 역시 점심을 위해 햄과
치즈를 끼운 샌드위치를 만들어 냅킨에 싼다. 배가 고프면 간단히 요기를 하는 것으로 족하다. 어설픈
식사보다는 간결한 음식이 좋고, 한 끼를 먹더라도 제대로 된 곳에서 식사를 하는 쪽을 택하자면 시간과
비용을 몰아줄 필요가 있는 것이다. 저녁을 위해 아침과 점심을 절제하는 나의 현명한 습관에 다시 한번
고개를 끄덕여 준다.

잠시 거리에 나가 보니 비가 올 듯 날이 흐리고 바람까지 분다. 준비해 온 울스웨터 위에 윈드 브레이커를
덧입는 게 좋겠다. 어제 호텔 프론트에 놓인 다양한 내용의 관광프로그램을 안내하는 팜플렛들 속에서
몇가지 시티투어 프로그램들에 대한 정보를 찾아냈고 그중 반나절짜리 투어에 가담하자면 1시 반에 맞추어
바츨라프 광장의 국립박물관 앞으로 나가면 된다.

방으로 돌아와 더운 물에 느긋하게 샤워를 한다. 매일 하는 일이지만 이렇게 느긋하게 하는 샤워는 혼자만의
여행을 통해 누리는 호사스러움 중의 하나라는 생각을 한다. 천천히, 시간을 가지고 내 스스로의 몸을 돌보아
주는 일이 과연 얼마만인지... 나는 나의 팔과 다리를, 나의 가슴과 배를 진심으로 아끼고 소중히 여기는
마음으로 어루만져 준다. 괜찮아. 긴장을 풀어. 아무도 없어. 나뿐이야.

나는 거울 앞에 바로 선다. 거울 속의 나와 눈을 맞추기 위하여는 약간의 시간이 필요하다. 거울 속의 나는
익숙하면서도 낯설다. 나이면서도 남이 주로 보게 되는 나의 모습. 그러므로 남의 시선을 통해 평가되는
나의 이러저런 생김생김에 대하여 더 많이 신경 썼을 것이 틀림이 없는 나의 모습. 그러는 사이 나도 모르게
지나간 세월이 남겨놓은 흔적들이 여기저기 눈에 띈다.
지금 내가 보고 있는 거울 속의 나, 나이가 들어가는 나를 어떻게 받아들여야 할 것인지 당혹스러운 생각이
들기도 하지만, 그간 소리없이 내 얼굴과 내 몸으로 있어준 그 얼굴과 몸에게 애처로움과 감사의 마음을
갖기로 한다. 주름도 흰 머리도 그것은 어느 날 갑자기 침범한 외부로부터의 이물질이 아닌 것이다.
그것들은 나와 더불어 오랜 세월 애쓰고 수고한 나의 일부분이며, 자기도 모르는 사이 탄력을 잃거나 퇴색함에
나보다 더 당황했을 나의 애처로운 일부분인 것이다. 늙고 쇠약해짐에 따라 나의 무게를 더 이상 지탱하지
못하게 될 다리라던가, 보거나 듣는 임무를 도저히 예전처럼 잘 할 수 없게 될 눈과 귀라던가를 더 이상 모르는
척 할 수 없는 시점이 오게 될 것은 자명한 사실이다. 나이가 든다는 것은 피할 수도 배척할 수도 없는 현실일
뿐만이 아니라 내가 아끼고 사랑하지 않으면 안 될 내 몸의 일인 것이다.
그러므로, 눈가와 목주변에 늘어나는 주름들을 당황하게 하지 말자. 좁은 어깨를 더욱 왜소하게 하는 통통한
팔과 크지 않은 키에 긴 허리를 의식하지 못하는 듯한 두꺼운 허벅지를 미워하지 말자. 아직은 본격적인 흰
머리카락을 허용하지 않는 나의 기특한 머리카락들에게 진심으로 감사하자.

머리를 말리다가 문득 관광객들과 더불어 가이드의 뒤를 따라 4시간 가량을 돌아다닐 일이 끔찍하게
여겨졌다. 상대가 누구이던 어정쩡한 관계의 만남을 일체 사양하고 싶어졌기 때문이다. 교섭, 혹은 몰교섭-
깊이 관여하거나 전혀 관여하지 않음. 그게 나의 대인관계에 대한 스타일이다. 그밖의 경우는 모두 '가상본'의
상태를 이용한, 불가피한 처세술이 대부분일 것이다.
외출준비를 마치며 나는 혼자, 내가 원하는 시간에, 내가 원하는 곳을 자유롭게 다니기로 결정하였다. 발길
닿는대로 골목골목을 방황하거나, 돈죠반니 인형극 구경이외에 오페라를 한편 정도 보고 싶고, 재즈클럽에
가서 느긋한 시간을 보내는 것도 물론 계획에 포함시킨다.

비가 부슬부슬 내릴지도 모를 오늘. 나는 프라하에서의 첫 발걸음을 유대인의 묘지로 향하기로 한다.
가이드의 뒤를 따라다니는 관광으로서가 아닌, 이 곳의 거리를 깊숙히 방황함으로 이곳 프라하에 대한
이방인으로서의 예의를 다할 것이다.

Posted by dreaming at October 27, 2004 03:44 PM

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김치찌개와 - 찌개가 찌개가 맛나여~ 찌게가 맞나여~
비교될 정도로 비슷한 맛이 나던 것들도 있었고 돼지고기요리도 우리 돼지갈비를 생각나게 했었고~
기억하겠다고 그 이름을 적은것 같은데 기억속에만 있고 메모는 없고~
아 가고싶네여~

프라하에

피자배달

^^0^^

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전, 프라하의 거리에 한 100m간격으로 서있던 핫도그 스탠드가 생각납니다.
여행객들의 시장기를 손쉽게 채워주리라 유혹적으로 익어가던 그릴 위의 소시지...
그, 잠깐이나마 몸과 마음을 따스하게 녹여주던...
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